Help me thou my unbelief...

"Help me thou my unbelief"...a simple phrase that was spoken today by one of the speakers in our sacrament meeting, yet it hit me to the core.  The topic of our meeting was FAITH.  My faith is wavering, not strong like it should be and I know it and feel it and do nothing to strengthen it.  Part of me says it's because I'm too tired and worn out. That is a lie, it is the depression speaking. Part of me says it's not worth it. That also is a lie because I know it is worth it.  Part of me is just lazy and complacent and that may be closer to the truth than I want to accept right now.  But I know it is true.  I have felt this coming for some time now.  The time for me to make a choice and live how I should be living.  Half way isn't going to cut it anymore.  It isn't going to help me teach my children the gospel or help them to grow up to be the kind of people I want them to be.

I feel so overwhelmed and heartbroken by the many things going on with those around us.  Jed loosing his job, my dealing with depression.  Just in our neighborhood and ward alone, it seems like it is much more than we should have to bear.  A neighbor who was days away from delivering a beautiful baby girl lost that baby.  The heartbreak is unimaginable.  Another neighbor who had surgery last week coded and almost didn't come back because she was given too much pain medication after the surgery.  Another family who is unable to have children was blessed with a beautiful baby girl to be placed in their home, only to have her taken away after a few days because the birth mother changed her mind. And yet another good woman in our ward who had suffered severe complications due to pancreatitis. So much so that she hasn't eaten real food in more than 5 weeks...she is on feeding tubes to get the nutrition she needs until her pancreas heals.  These things all test their faith, I'm sure.  But the blessings that have come to all those around them have been immeasurable.  Maybe that is why we suffer here on this earth.  Not only to test us and build our faith, but to strengthen the faith of others as well?

The feelings of reverence and the spirit were so strongly present in our meetings today.  That faithful mother who lost her baby one week ago today was at church. I admire and respect her so much and can tell that her faith is not wavering.  And if it is, she knows where she can find strength.  I'm not so sure I would be able to do the same if I were in her position.  The family who lost a child through adoption, was blessed with another baby just months after that heartbreak.  They are truly stalwarts and examples of faith and prayers being answered.  The good sister who came back to life has faith that she will make a full recovery from  major neck surgery with only ibuprofen for pain relief because she knows any other pain medication may cause more complications.  The beautiful lady who cannot eat and has been in and out of the hospital  for weeks has been writing her experiences in a blog and the overwhelming theme of her posts are about gratitude. 

These are the kind of people I look up to and admire.  The kind of people who make me want to be better.  These are the kind of people I want to be like.  Yet, I feel so far from it. My faith has wavered much over the years.  Especially during the hard years of being single.  Then while we were struggling with infertility, my faith took another hard hit.  I am sad to say that I don't think I have fully recovered my faith from those experiences.  I haven't really tried all that hard.  I have become complacent in what I do.  It has become easy to sit back and watch from the sidelines and not participate fully.  It has become easy, but it is also so very hard. 

And so I begin with new strength today to try and renew my faith. I pray that I can do it. For me, for my family and for those who need my strength as well.