Showing posts with label spiritual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spiritual. Show all posts
Friday, September 18, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sticking it out with your spouse
I came across this article in the Mormon Times and thought it was worth sharing.
Sticking it out with your spouse
By Tiffany Gee Lewis
http://www.mormontimes.com/mormon_voices/tiffany_gee_lewis/?id=10392
Do me a favor. Before you read this column, go read this recent piece in The New York Times. I'll wait. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=1
(Long pause.)
OK, done? Good, now we can discuss.
I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. The news is rife with stories of prominent people guilty of infidelity in their marriage.
Closer to home, I have many friends/relatives getting married and, disconcertingly, many getting divorced. Too many. One is too many, but this is bunches and bunches. These are young couples, with just a few years under their belts. They haven't even hit the "we have a million kids!" crisis yet, or the "now that the kids are gone we actually have to interact again" crisis. It seems the "starter marriage" syndrome has spilled over into LDS culture as well.
My husband and I haven't even hit the 10-year mark, so I don't profess to be an expert by any means. But an open discussion about marriage is needed.
Just as this couple featured in The New York Times came forward to tell their story, we need to be having open dialogues in our culture. That means less griping about husbands at the monthly book club session, and more honest assessments with real-life solutions: "Marriage is hard! But here's how we're making it."
In every marriage, there are ebbs and flows -- times when you and your spouse are in harmony, and others when you're most definitely not. There are down times, really down times, when your words grate on each other and every word uttered is misunderstood. It comes with financial stress, or with big changes like moving or adding a new child to the family. It happens when you're apart for business, education or military deployment. It is straining on a marriage to have a child with physical or mental disabilities.
These are real problems that we all face. So what do we do about it?
We have heard, over and over, the sage advice: Pray together as a couple. Don't go to bed angry. Go on a weekly date. Serve each other.
These are great words of wisdom, but it goes beyond that. There needs to be give-and-take on both sides. There needs to be positive energy. Effective communication, I have found, is paramount. So is not saying everything that runs through your head. Restraint.
There has to be commitment, which means guarding relationships with members of the opposite sex -- not only in conventional spaces, like the workplace, but also through emerging social channels like Facebook and Twitter. A recent article in TIME by Caitlin Flanagan begins with this anecdote:
"Around the time of my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, I turned to my father at the dinner table one night and said, 'It's amazing, Dad -- 50 years, and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?'
'He replied simply, 'I can't drive.'"
Even if we never leave the home, we are all OUT in the world so much more often. Hence the recent article in the September Ensign, "Fidelity in Marriage: It's More Important Than You Think." The article warns against entering into inappropriate relationships outside of marriage. Some spouses, while they remain physically faithful, seem almost married to their computers, their novels or blogs, or the successes of their children. What are we doing to guard against this?
I'm not saying I have all the answers. I think back to the wedding reception of my brother and sister-in-law. I was newly pregnant with our third son, and my husband was working full-time and going to school. I stood there watching this new union dance around full of love, and I began to cry.
"Oh, are you crying because you're so happy for them?" my mom asked.
"No!" I blubbered. "I'm crying because it's so hard! And they have no clue!"
Yes, it is hard. But just as I couldn't articulate that difficulty to my brother and sister-in-law, I also can't fully explain the joy and deep love that grew over time, through years of supporting each other through school, moving across the country four times, raising our boys and spending nightly discussions trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing, remodeling homes, and buoying one another in stressful church callings.
Like the couple in The New York Times article, my husband and I hit a rough patch in our marriage. A couple years into it, he approached me and said, "Tiffany, I see these couples who are so happily married in their old age, and I just don't see us being one of those couples." I let the weight of those words hit me, knowing that he was exactly right, and it was in large part my fault.
That was several years ago. We have learned so much since then about how to cater to each other's love languages, and how to sacrifice for one another. I can't even fathom having a conversation like that now. But the journey is ongoing, and made all the richer by the fact that we are doing it together.
Sticking it out with your spouse
By Tiffany Gee Lewis
http://www.mormontimes.com/mormon_voices/tiffany_gee_lewis/?id=10392
Do me a favor. Before you read this column, go read this recent piece in The New York Times. I'll wait. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=1
(Long pause.)
OK, done? Good, now we can discuss.
I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. The news is rife with stories of prominent people guilty of infidelity in their marriage.
Closer to home, I have many friends/relatives getting married and, disconcertingly, many getting divorced. Too many. One is too many, but this is bunches and bunches. These are young couples, with just a few years under their belts. They haven't even hit the "we have a million kids!" crisis yet, or the "now that the kids are gone we actually have to interact again" crisis. It seems the "starter marriage" syndrome has spilled over into LDS culture as well.
My husband and I haven't even hit the 10-year mark, so I don't profess to be an expert by any means. But an open discussion about marriage is needed.
Just as this couple featured in The New York Times came forward to tell their story, we need to be having open dialogues in our culture. That means less griping about husbands at the monthly book club session, and more honest assessments with real-life solutions: "Marriage is hard! But here's how we're making it."
In every marriage, there are ebbs and flows -- times when you and your spouse are in harmony, and others when you're most definitely not. There are down times, really down times, when your words grate on each other and every word uttered is misunderstood. It comes with financial stress, or with big changes like moving or adding a new child to the family. It happens when you're apart for business, education or military deployment. It is straining on a marriage to have a child with physical or mental disabilities.
These are real problems that we all face. So what do we do about it?
We have heard, over and over, the sage advice: Pray together as a couple. Don't go to bed angry. Go on a weekly date. Serve each other.
These are great words of wisdom, but it goes beyond that. There needs to be give-and-take on both sides. There needs to be positive energy. Effective communication, I have found, is paramount. So is not saying everything that runs through your head. Restraint.
There has to be commitment, which means guarding relationships with members of the opposite sex -- not only in conventional spaces, like the workplace, but also through emerging social channels like Facebook and Twitter. A recent article in TIME by Caitlin Flanagan begins with this anecdote:
"Around the time of my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, I turned to my father at the dinner table one night and said, 'It's amazing, Dad -- 50 years, and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?'
'He replied simply, 'I can't drive.'"
Even if we never leave the home, we are all OUT in the world so much more often. Hence the recent article in the September Ensign, "Fidelity in Marriage: It's More Important Than You Think." The article warns against entering into inappropriate relationships outside of marriage. Some spouses, while they remain physically faithful, seem almost married to their computers, their novels or blogs, or the successes of their children. What are we doing to guard against this?
I'm not saying I have all the answers. I think back to the wedding reception of my brother and sister-in-law. I was newly pregnant with our third son, and my husband was working full-time and going to school. I stood there watching this new union dance around full of love, and I began to cry.
"Oh, are you crying because you're so happy for them?" my mom asked.
"No!" I blubbered. "I'm crying because it's so hard! And they have no clue!"
Yes, it is hard. But just as I couldn't articulate that difficulty to my brother and sister-in-law, I also can't fully explain the joy and deep love that grew over time, through years of supporting each other through school, moving across the country four times, raising our boys and spending nightly discussions trying to figure out how to do this parenting thing, remodeling homes, and buoying one another in stressful church callings.
Like the couple in The New York Times article, my husband and I hit a rough patch in our marriage. A couple years into it, he approached me and said, "Tiffany, I see these couples who are so happily married in their old age, and I just don't see us being one of those couples." I let the weight of those words hit me, knowing that he was exactly right, and it was in large part my fault.
That was several years ago. We have learned so much since then about how to cater to each other's love languages, and how to sacrifice for one another. I can't even fathom having a conversation like that now. But the journey is ongoing, and made all the richer by the fact that we are doing it together.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
CREATE!!!
I love this...and it is not just for women. Men, take the opportunity to be your "own kind" of creative as well.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Trying to share the gospel?
For those of you who are trying to share the gospel and need simple ways to explain things, this is a good website: http://www.mormonsmadesimple.com/index.html It is not an official church site, but I think it has some good information, such as the video below.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
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